In this post: a crystal clear realization that came during meditation as an instant “download”. A fraction of a second, and my mind is already digesting everything. Quite eagerly, I should add. It is however a different story (no pun) and a much harder task to put this in words…So, here’s my honest attempt. I tried to keep things raw and authentic. Hope this post will help you as much as it helped me.
One last thing. It seems that every time I read this post, I end up adding more things to clarify or explain. I noticed that this type of content can trigger some deep emotional stuff including mind resistance. Something you may want to watch for and pay attention to when reading.
Life Situations & Spiritual Growth
We all experience different situations in our life. Some seem quite meaningful and may trigger strong emotions. Positive, or negative. Other events, on the other hand, not so much. In fact, we may completely overlook a situation because it doesn’t “catch” our attention.
Whatever the situation is, it appears that what matters more than the actual details, or, “what happened”, is the meaning we give to it. Was it stressful or was it pleasurable? Perhaps we believe we were treated unfairly or that we were in danger. Or, we may feel great about it. Regardless, the mind “categorizes” events in our life so it knows what to do with them. This “labeling” system is how the mind works. And it happens automatically.
Now, with that said, if you separate the situation from the meaning you give to it, what remains?
If you separate the situation from the meaning you give to it, what remains?
If you are smiling or laughing after reading this question, then you already know what I am talking about. Almost like a cosmic joke. Some of this mind stuff can be so heavy and hard to bear at times. A tough pill to swallow, if you will. But, when you give a bit of space to events in your life, things often appear much lighter. Turned out, that situation wasn’t a complete disaster after all. Or, even better, you understand the other point of views. Things start to make sense.
Try to remember a situation you feel strongly about. Ideally, with other people besides you. We all tend to “bring” our past beliefs into a situation. Just like a heavy backpack that is overstuffed with too many things we don’t even need. And it weigh a ton. Or, a cluttered room with too many things. So much, that you forgot the beautiful view of the ocean you could see beyond all this mess.
Now, nobody has exactly the same beliefs. So, we often perceive things differently. In fact, we may perceive the situation exactly the opposite than our friend. You may feel you are right, and the other person is 100% positive you are totally wrong. Not to mention the conflict of interests type of situations. I want to get something, and you want to get the same thing. But in this situation, in this given time and place, only one of us can get it. We may laugh about it, we may flip a coin. I can let you have it your way, or we may clash and start a war. Especially if both of us believe this is important. Can you feel the tension going up already?
But, here’s the thing…
Before we start a war, here’s the point. When you think about it, what happens in a situation, the actual “story” is not that important. It’s simply the way our mind perceives it. It’s our subjective point of view. Simply put, our mind needs to label events. In which category your mind decides to interpret the situation? Nobody really knows. Seriously. It depends on your prior experiences and beliefs. Memories from the past. Plus, the way you feel about a situation today may change tomorrow.
Now, we all know that this “mechanism” is essential in terms of survival. The problem is it “leaks” into our daily “modern” life. Especially when we strongly identify with a situation. But is it really that critical or even a threat? When was the last time a prehistoric scary monster chased you, or someone from the other tribe tried to kill you? It’s usually something that “threaten” a belief you have. It can be a belief about yourself, or about other things that you find important. For example, what other people may think about you. Or, a situation involves the concept of losing (vs. winning). Or even better, fear of missing out.
“You hurt my feeling”, simply means, you did something against a belief I have. Remove the belief, what remains?
How to approach a situation from an egoless space
If you can put your personal “history” aside. Your beliefs, your past experiences, your goals. Even the concept of being right or wrong. Now, approach a situation. How does it feel?
You are the observer or the witness. Not the one who plays a role in the situation. Watch these thoughts and emotions. Watch the how the mind “resists” and try to protect some of the beliefs.
When you don’t identify which the “person”, there are no preferences. There is no judgement. Just observation and sincere acceptance to whatever is happening. Regardless of what’s happening. It makes no difference. This doesn’t mean you have to agree (or disagree) to the events. Or, that you are passive and giving up. Is simply means you are watching “actively” and carefully without having an opinion or an agenda. I can tell you I often experience feelings of inner peace, compassion or love when I am at that state “observing” a situation.
I may hear my mind’s critical voice in the background judging, or feel an emotion in my body that may be uncomfortable. From these responses of the mind and body, we can learn about some beliefs we still identify with. Including some past trauma. Or, we can just have a good laugh. After all, a lot of the times, the human mind egoic nature is a fertile ground to a lot of responses that don’t make any sense. Ironic isn’t it?
An empowering piece of wisdom
Of course, this is where enlightenment, “spiritual awakening” or any related term you prefer come into play. As the “true self”, you can observe the “person” with all his or her attachments. All these beliefs, fears, wants and needs. You look underneath the surface. Deep in the ocean’s floor. You perceive the entire situation in a non-personal way. This includes seeing the ego in play (in you, in others) and have a less subjective point of view. You may find that you can relate more to the other person. Or, you may completely lose interest in the entire conversation. For example, when you realize that the entire “conflict” was an attempt to defend an opinion about something. Now all of a sudden, this all seems boring or not interesting enough to give it your attention. Now you have more energy for other things. Quite empowering.
It’s not the person we have issues with. It’s the situation which brings things we still identify with
This brings another important point. We all know this, but we often forget it. I am talking about these times, where we meet or interact with someone in such a powerful way, that it reshapes many of our beliefs about life, the world and ourselves. Usually, these are negative experiences that “shake” our world. We feel pain. We feel hurt. “Things will never be the same” we often say. “I will never forgive you for what you have done to me.” But, is it that person we have to “blame”, forgive, or say “thank you”, or is it the actual situation? Can you blame the clouds for blocking the sun?
This can be very tricky to catch. There may be a lot of pain and past trauma. So the mind tries to protect “you”. And it may take years of therapy to uncover some deep answers here. But, in the context of what we have discussed here, the answer may be so simple, its almost mind boggling (no pun…). Guess what? It is never the person. And its not your fault either. It is always the situation that bring all these things.
There are always other contributing factors.
I am talking about the way all these beliefs and egoic concepts interact together. A person, conscious or not, is only a part of a much complex “play” or “story”. The way we respond, feel, think, is all a part of the same play. Something that happened when you (or the other person) were little kids may affect the entire situation. Rarely you see a situation where you can clearly identify a cause and effect.
The mind on the other hand, tries to organize and store memories. To do that, it looks for cause and effect. As such, it often reduces situations into simplified versions. It tries to fit everything into this cause and effect model. But, this is never the complete story. Not in life situations, not in medicine, rarely in anything.
Am I scarred for life?
After reading all this, you may wonder if you are still mad about the other person, mad about yourself, or, frustrated about this all “situation”. Perhaps now, when you go over the situation one more time, something has changed?
Did he or she really broke your heart, betrayed you, lied, manipulated and mistreated you, or, perhaps, whatever happened just happened. And whatever feelings and emotions you experienced were your mind and body response. A result of concepts and ideas you believed were true? Perhaps, that situation was “simply” the play that brought everything together. But, if you detach from all these beliefs and situation and become the observer, what remains? Do you still feel resentment, or is there a sense of relief?
If you like sarcasm, my mind can tell you that I can still feel “what remains” in my body as emotional pain. Very often in the stomach. But the truth is that now, this pain is not “active” anymore. It doesn’t cause me any discomfort. It makes me feel loved and grateful for going through these dynamics. Experiencing forgiveness for example, is a very powerful feeling.
There’s another point here which I also find quite empowering
Obviously, with me writing this post, it is possible to understand this concept on an intellectual level. I am not saying this is always easy. But with practice, it may be practical. We can all train our minds and apply when needed. And I mean be present, alert and aware when things are happening. Not after the facts. Very useful when we interact with people that seem to trigger discomforts in us. Take a deep breath, and give space. A space to the situation, and a space to the other person to express themselves and play their part. And also, give space to you. Love yourself enough to do this.
Surrender is not indifference
One last thing. Surrender and acceptance do not mean weakness. You accept or “surrender” to what happened. This includes the other person actions. This also includes the thoughts, feelings and emotions you experienced. Then, you move on. After all, this is all past. You now can decide what to do (or not to do). Do you know what to do, or, perhaps, you want to allow some space.
If you feel indifferent or like you are giving up, you are probably still attached somewhat to the situation. You may want to look deeper to see if this is some sort of a defense mechanism. Mind patterns like “Oh, I don’t care if he/she likes me or not…I don’t need them…whatever. I don’t have a chance anyway, I don’t care…” Once again, this “I” with such strong opinions… 🙂
That was long. I know. But, I hope you find this helpful. Until our next talk, aloha and love.
