Is it true that we are bounded by our own thoughts and beliefs? How about our feelings and emotions? Or, even our self-image? Are all of these limit our freedom?
Yesterday’s meditation was a very different one. In fact, the entire day after felt very different. Even today. And, all it took was one realization. A fraction of a second during meditation, that seems to change everything. Time is relative.
Now, I am not talking about some uncomfortable thoughts. No, this was on a completely different level. But, it became clear, that I had to witness and feel this intense discomfort, in order to truly understand all of this. And, once awareness manifests into understanding, things tend to shift. By things, I mean events and circumstances that are above and beyond the “me”. Or, my self-image.
So, let’s dive right into the meditation, shall we?
Initially, I am detached from my mind
Clearly, I am aware that “my” mind is running thoughts. But, I am totally detached from it. Is it my mind then? Right now, it is not. In fact, there is barely any sense of self right now.
All I can observe are thoughts that the mind runs and sends out. Also, it is obvious that the mind doesn’t create any of these thoughts. The mind simply “sends” thoughts out, but since I am not attached to it, there is nobody that receives these thoughts.
And, because of that, these thoughts have no meaning. They are light and just circulate in this formless space. I can witness them.
Then, attachments form
Then, something in me showed interest in some thoughts. Now, there’s a receiver. Me! Immediately, these thoughts became heavy and sticky with uncomfortable emotions and feelings. I sensed anxiety in the body. Then, these thoughts repeated even more strongly. I could feel that these thoughts bounded me. And, the more attention I gave them, the more intense they became. And, it didn’t feel good at all.
How do I stop this?
It felt like an intense dissonance. On one hand, I can feel the lightness of a formless being. Free as it gets. Nothing, and I mean nothing can “overpower” that. It is so powerful, it is beyond feeling powerful. It is free and absolutely unbounded. There’s nothing I need to do or achieve to become more. Or, even to maintain.
But then, these thoughts came, and I was attracted to them. I felt they were important to me. All of a sudden, freedom was gone. These thoughts totally bounded me. Now’s there is a sense of self. I feel weak, I feel scared. And, I feel confused. Where Am I? Who Am I? I am in chains and I can’t fly. What’s going on?
How ironic! The only thing that can bound me, is me. Or, my belief in this sense of self which is clearly, not me. But, I take my self-image or sense of self so seriously, that it paralyzes “me”.
My own very power has become my own prison. With the chains.
In particular, these are thoughts about “my life”. Or, about these beliefs I have. And, it is all about “me”, my human sense of self. You can call it “self image”. And, this is the common theme here. Different thoughts about goals, objectives, and other people opinions. But, all of these have one thing in common. They are related to this sense of self. “Me”, is in the middle of all this.
And, what is the root cause of all this messy and sticky entanglement? My own belief in this idea of self-image. It gives me a sense of self. It’s the perfect trap. And, I am hooked.
Entangled by “my” own beliefs
Now, during the meditation, I also knew that I am aware of all this. Therefore, this was not me. I mean, this, who suffers. Still, this state felt awful and I wanted to get out of it. In tact, I discovered I didn’t even care about any of these thoughts anymore. The ones I cared so much before. The ones that attracted me. All I wanted was inner peace. Get me out of this hell!
Alas! The more I tried, the more I found myself even more trapped. Just like a bee trapped in a spider’s web.
Also, there was a very strong sense of confusion. As, someone, who doesn’t even remember who he or she is. All these clouds, you can barely see the sun. In fact, can someone please remind me what a sunny day feels like? And, I live in Hawaii. Oh, the horror.
Then, it happened. A new thought came.
“I am trapped here”. A sense that now my energy is attached to all these thoughts. So much I believe in this sense of self, that I am trapped by this mind, which runs and maintain these thoughts.
My belief in these thoughts bound me and I am not free. And this feels horrible. And, this exact thought causes me so much pain. Where is all this love? Who took it? And this totally “dwarfs” the anxiety that I sensed with these thoughts initially.
I feel helpless and powerless. I wish to stop this and I don’t know how.
Awareness to the Rescue
Then, there was aweress.
Who is this, who feels trapped and wants to be free?
As awareness, can I witness this? Yes. Yes, I can. Then, if we remove this “self”, what remains? And I mean, all these self-image thoughts, feelings, emotions. Everything. Is there anything left?
I had to give a bit space to this. Clearly, this is not a question for the mind. It’s a question to get out of the mind.
And then it happened.
Thank god. Nothing remains. Just awareness. I am home again. Love is here.
And, awareness recognizes that this “self” who suffers is also, just a thought. Just a belief. In other words, all our self image and even sense of self is, is nothing but thoughts organized together by the mind and body.
Also, the mind doesn’t initiate thoughts. What it does, however, is remarkable. The mind cleverly maintains all these thoughts. It connects them to other thoughts, emotions and feelings all over the body via the nervous system. This is, the mind’s greatest creation. And it’s absolutely amazing. A true wonder.
Now, a sense of self is not only born, but also evolves. This is how we all end up with our self-image.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Am I still bounded by my thoughts and beliefs?
Great, so this realization is wonderful. And, it “buys” me some inner peace. But, only until the next time, right? Until the next time the mind maintains one of these connections. The next storm will soon come, only to remind me that I am here to suffer. Just business as usual for the mind, another day in hell for me, right?
So, is it really true that I am still bounded by my thoughts and beliefs? Or, by my sense of self or self-image?
Now, the only way to truly “answer” this question, is not to even answer it at all.
After all, who is the one that is asking this question?Also, can we really expect our mind to answer such a profound question? One, that touches its true nature? One, that deeply challenges its own existence?
Or, we can recognize that this question is not even real.
Just like the “self” who is asking it. In fact, every attempt to answer this question, simply creates another connection in the mind. A connection that further supports and strengthens that belief or idea of that self.
It’s the perfect trap. The perfect setting. And we are both the hunter and the pray.
So, the only thing we can do here, is to become aware, and accept that this is our current human expression. And, let go. Because that who think is bounded, trapped, or not free, is not even real. It’s just another idea.
To sum up: if we let our self image and even our sense of self go, what is left then?
Love. That is all. And this, this is how we can all live our life. It’s our birthright! Even, with a human mind. And use, use all these traps and mind-webs as wake up calls. For these moments where we forget. Forget our true nature. Boundless free love.
And, as awareness, this is crystal clear.
Can you accept this?
In fact, as awareness, this question is not even a question.
Because when you strip down all these qualities and “things” we tend to “see” in ourselves, other people, situations, and events in “our life” there’s nothing left. Even “our life” and sense of self can be seen as merely thoughts. All, this mind stuff, is exactly what it is. Mind stuff.
And just like that, all these personas dissolve. There is no “me”, “you”, “they”. Not to mention, self-images. All there is, is just one love. We are not isolated from each other. It was never about us and them. We are not enemies, or, even allies. There is no conflict. Underneath all these, we are all one. It’s that simple. And, it’s absolutely beautiful.
And, if you can look into things in life, with that state, you can then see love everywhere. Even in that person who is standing right infront of you screaming at you for some random reason. Obviously he or she must have forgotten to read this post. 🙂
Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. Aloha and love.
