Remember these epic walking meditations I used to do? You know, those who trigger a lot of the realizations which I shared with you?
Well, there was a foot injury that made walking a bit challenging. Yup, this body was out of commish for a while. Everyday, I watched the beautiful sunny days from the window and ached to walk out in the sun like I used to. Literally.
Today, after several weeks or rehab, was the day. It was the first real walk outside. No more treadmills, elliptical or other hamster wheel kind of indoor movements. Now, pain was there. As you can expect. But also, improvements. And, very quickly there was a feeling of gratitude. Yup, this being felt grateful for this wonderful healing. I mean, there is this human body that is totally alive, that actually knows to heal itself. So much intelligence, and we get to experience this in such an intimate way. How amazing is that?
And, with this, there was also a very clear understanding. I am animating this living body. Yet, I am not this body. But, I can witness all these experiences. Sometimes there will be pain, other times, pleasure.
But, there was something else.
It seems that there is always something else, doesn’t it? Today, after the walk, I felt completely and totally new. A new person? Not really a person. More like, less of a person. A much lighter and free-like version. Liked I left a big heavy chunk of past material behind.
We often carry our past with us as we live our life. But then, can we live our life in the present moment with all this past? Not really, or at least, not easily. So then, it begs the question. What happens if we let our past go?
Guess what? We will still be here. Just, without that past. Or, with less of its weight. Or, whatever we believed our past mean.
You can think about your past as a heavy backpack you carry with you everywhere you go. It’s heavy, it’s annoying, and it makes your back hurt. In fact, even when you go to sleep at night, you wake up later terrified that someone took your bag. That precious bag. Your past.
But then, when was the last time you checked if you really need that bag? You may surprised to learn there’s nothing there you need. And, that past is not you. And, it doesn’t define who you are. Unless you believe it does.
So, who is this, who is mad at the world?
Now, earlier today, before my walk, I had some thoughts about certain events in my life where I was pushed to do things. You know, that heavy past backpack I’ve just mentioned. I was forced to do things that weren’t beneficial for me at all. In fact, these damaged my body, perhaps for life. Yet, I complied knowing the risks. Yup, I gave up without a fight.
So, I felt some resentment towards those who used force on me. But, more accurately, I wasn’t happy about that entire situation. You know, humans force other humans to do things by using force. But, at the same time, I totally understood their point of view. Even then, when I “complied”. So, you can say I was aware of all these things, and still decided to comply. So, what’s my point then?
Well, now, there’s resentment about the past. My mind still tries to lick its wounds. And, these thoughts can turn into an endless loop of should have done this or that kind of thing. Well, not today. Luckily, awareness came and silence was here.
Who is this who is upset about them? Or, mad at the world. Is this you?
No. This is not me. That, who feels upset, doesn’t even exist. In fact, I can see this very clear now. That who is upset, is a bunch 0f thoughts, emotions and feelings grouped together. That is all. Together, they created that experience at that time. In the past. These created that perception or a self. A self with a personal view which that self believed was true. Clearly, it was a situation where the self played a role, and got carried away in the plot. Sadly, no oscar was given. Shame, that was quite a performance.
So, who am I?
Now, I am aware of all these thoughts. And, that’s all the “self” there is. At this state, there’s no person. And, because of that, there are no personal views. There is no me. There is no you. And, definitely no them. I am not mad at the world. Or, upset with anyone. In fact, I only feel love to all. I, simply aware.
Then, the human experience kicks in. Emotions, feelings and thoughts come together to create an experience of a self with an opinion. One day that self is mad at the world. Another day, it feels happy, love, and gratitude. But, I, can witness all of this. In silence, wonderful loving intelligent silence.
In fact, when I ask myself who am I, there’s silence. And, it is clear that I am not even that who is asking “who Am I”. I, is aware of this too.
Clearly, I am not the body or mind either
But, what does this all mean about “my” life? Is this stuff even practical? I mean, there are still things we all need to do, right? We need some money, which is the modern version of food. We still need to take care of the body which may require money. And, what about this endless desire of self fulfillment? Finding my purpose, finding the love of my life or “other half”. Should we just ignore all of these and live in fairyland?
Now, ask yourself, who is that self? That, who is concerned about these things? Is this really you?
And, here we go again…No, I am not that self. I am aware of that self. All these worries are just thoughts. But, where do we go from here? Who will take care of these things?
Now, these are all classic mind patterns. Moving from thinking about the past (for example, mad at the world), to thoughts and worries about the future. But, are these really helping? And, what about the present moment? Isn’t that where life truly is? And, if we let all these go, what remains?
Love. And, silence. That is all that remains. All of a sudden, all these thoughts about the past and future seem like a distant memory. A distant ship smoke on the horizon. Or, is it just a big wave? Turns out, there’s only the present moment. And that, that is a perfect state to start the day. It just that it’s evening now. Something to remember tomorrow. And, the days after.
Aloha and love.
